JANUARY 9, 1998 Gay People's ChronicLE 19
BIG TIPS
How to get beyond the wall of 'going too far’
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
"I saved $50 by just shutting the hell up." This is the phone service commercial I need to star in. I don't care if it's a dime a minute, incredibly cheap in or out of state, or I could talk to my mom in Nepal (say she lived there) for a song: If I'm talking, I seem to be paying. A lot.
So, after receiving my third hair-raising phone bill in a row, I decided that if I ever wanted to afford one of the fancier pine boxes, I needed a plan. And the plan was this: Let She or He Who Wishes To Communicate Come Unto Me.
I avoided all long distance calls (birthday calls exempted, of course), upped my e-mail and snail post numbers, and when my next bill arrived, it was literally $50 lower. Pow! You'll be happy to know, however, that I am not willing to suffer gladly just for consistency or logic. As long as phone books are heavy, floppy, and printed with that smudgy ink, I'll be calling information for every darn number I need. The bill is still magnificently lower.
So basically, Shut Up and Save. And Sprint's not beating down my door with a spokesperson contract?
Dear Big Tipper,
I need a big tip. My boyfriend won't let me at his ass. We've been together for a few weeks, and we have sex all the time, but it's always "French" if you know what I mean. I want to get to "speak some Greek," but he just pushes me away, even if it's just my face getting close. I feel like we're never going to go "all the way." I want him really bad, but I don't know what to do.
Dear Big Tipper,
Greek Active Someday?
You have to help me convince my girlfriend of something. She's the sexiest woman I've ever known, and I love her, and I want nothing more than to be with her and have sex with her all the time. It's a wonder I make it to work in the morning, but I have to pay for the sex toys somehow, right? So here's the problem. She won't let me go down on her when she has her period.
I think she thinks she's going to taste disgusting, and that I only want to do it to reassure her, but actually, I love the way every other part of her tastes, so why not this? I did it with my last two girlfriends, and they loved it. I want her to feel attractive all the time, and I don't want to have to wait out a few days every month either. How do you think I might change her mind?
Blood Sucker
Dear Big Tipper,
What's a man to do when his lover doesn't want what he does sexually? I've always enjoyed bondage in my sexual relationships. I'm not into the whole leather scene, but I
really get off on being tied up, to the point that it seems a little pathetic and not very hot to have sex without knowing that it's going to happen at some point.
My boyfriend isn't just not interested in this, he seems embarrassed whenever I try to bring it up. It's hard for me not to be disappointed, even though the other things we do are great. I don't really want to change, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't even if I wanted to. Are we just fatally incompatible?
Dear Hellenic or High Water, The Vampire Strikes Back, and Tied Up in Nots:
Fit to be Tied
Yikes. It's almost like sex is something that two (or more) people have together, eh? Whether the resisted activity is considered pretty run-of-the-mill or beyond the pale, it's frustrating to have to go without, or wait, or commence to wheedlin'. Why is it so hard sometimes to get what we think is so basic, and so darn hot?
Our culture can be incredibly hateful towards bodies, particularly women's, but men are by no means contempt exempt. We're all supposed to smell like a cake of Lifebuoy and a sprig of mint, and be powder dry whenever possible.
The media willing, we'd fit within a very narrow range of physical characteristics, and we'd all make it like movie stars. Jeez, we're lucky the preliminary smooch works so often! On top of what we're supposed to look and smell like, there's the layer of what we're automatically supposed to do well (dance, kiss, fuck), what we're supposed to want and like, what's kinky but probably expected, and what's Going Too Far. Going Too Far is different for everyone, but when you butt up against it, you'll know it.
That doesn't necessarily mean, though, that it's an impenetrable category.
You might just have to sneak up on it. Let your hon know why you think it's sexy. Talk dirty about it while you're doing something less threatening. Get some books. Not howtos, but smut. It can warm a body up, and lay out a scenario, so your sweetie doesn't feel so scared and at sea.
Find out if you can why s/he doesn't want to do it. Afraid butt sex will hurt? It definitely can in the beginning, but that will segue into vague discomfort, then to big pleasure. If she thinks blood tastes bad, lick your own off your fingers and show her that it doesn't kill
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you (as a matter of fact, for women who are skittish about muff diving, practice tasting yourself. It can be demystifying). With bondage, you could have your lover just hold your hands down while you're making out, and just see what your struggle feels like without the theater of ties. Or you could make a deal that you won't move from a spread-eagle position until you're done doing whatever you're doing.
And ultimately, sometimes your sweetie
may still not find any of this appealing, but people have been known to be flexible for their lovers. And sometimes that flexibility means giving something up for this one. Or giving up this one. Bon chance, cubed. ✔
Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.
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